#Is like... Telling a person drowning that they should just swim

[fishnapple]

How to love yourself better? A request letter from yourself. (Channelled message)

This is a general reading meant for multiple people. Take only what resonates and leave out the rest.

Your feedback is much appreciated. If you find the reading resonated with you, leave a comment, I’d love to know 🎐

About me | Masterpost

Book a reading with me - KO-FI (Read this post : personal reading)

1. White

Dear myself,

If I could light a fire right now, I could, just to see if that fire can compete with my light, our light. And yet I got a feeling that fire will burn brighter than us, just because it had someone to start it. But ours didn't. We stowed our fire away, our light, for fear of burning the eyes of the world? Or for fear of being engulfed in the sea of darkness outside?

Have you ever seen a solar eclipse? People gathered to watch it, a brief moment of the sun being eaten. A brief moment. Imagine how the world would be if that brief moment turned into a very long moment, an eternal one? Panic, fear, despair. We have prolonged our solar eclipse for far too long, let the Sun has its shine. Does it sound arrogant when I talk of us as the Sun? No, you should get used to it. To be the light, the be seen. Even when the Sun seems like a solitary existence on the sky, it's not, so are we.

I wanted to tell you many beautiful words, give you praises and a pat on the head. Sounds embarrassing, right? We should learn to do that more often. And then practice it with other people too, we all need it sometimes, a lot of times.

Do you know what will happen when we turn the anger on ourselves? Somehow, it will ricochet inside us and finally shoot out at other people. It's painful, for us and for them. Let's hold it in our hands, watch it breathe and stroke it gently, find where does it hurt and tend to it, then poof- it's gone. You catch anger not by throwing it around and putting it in a cage but let it heal and fly away on its own.

I'm sure that sometimes you will find yourself drowning in life, in other people's water. Losing yourself could be your worst nightmare. But you will never lose me. It's odd how we're surrounded by people but feel like we are alone in our struggle. Where did all the people go? Are they also drowning like us? In a different sea? I hope that all the seas are connected to each other so we can all find others to swim with us.

Till the next sun rise, yourself.

2. Pink

Oh, how I want to just throw away everything and run barefoot on the sand. To lie face up, watching the clouds passing by for hours. To paint the wall bright pink and yellow (this combination might hurt your eyes if you stare too long, though). But we're not a kid anymore, or so people have told us, much like how we've told ourselves, convinced ourselves to behave.

It's fascinating to watch the process of our resistance to what is taught to us. Why do we resist it so much? It feels like being gravely offended. We have our principles, and now we have to listen to others telling us what is right? What is wrong? Let me tell you, in a small whisper, it's actually nice to listen. Just listening, not obeying. It will feel like swallowing a rock. Maybe we could learn from the chickens a little, metaphorically. They swallow small rocks to aid in healthy digestion. So let's swallow some of the hard lessons.

You always like to think in concrete fashion. You try to touch your thoughts with your own hands and knead them, mould them into whatever you want. And when you're dropped into a relationship with someone, you find yourself lost that ability. It's all a jumble mess. You find your hands reaching out, grasping for something. How about the other person? Are you afraid that you will lose yourself if you hold on to them? It's fine, you won't. It's just an outdated belief that you've held on for far too long.

As we were talking about swallowing, you may want to watch what you're swallowing into your stomach, literally. Watch what you eat! Don't make yourself, ourselves suffer by bringing unhealthy things into our body. We may want to live long, you know.

Hey, if you find a dance class is too embarrassing, how about we turn off the light and dance with each other in the middle of the night. Nobody will know, but we will feel good (I'm not trying to be a flirt with myself here)

Your best friend, love.

3. Red

Make me a cup of tea, please.

Let's have a chat, just us, lying around lazily, sipping our favourite tea, imagining some weird scenarios to entertain us, playing some puzzle.

I don't have much to tell you because we talk to each other every day and I know you always try to be better for us. I love you and I'm proud of you. Let's be vain and give ourselves applause every day. Make it a pinky promise.

A reminder when you're feeling sluggish and slow, we are going to exactly where we need to be. You are guided and protected.

Keep on shining and be the little kid that runs around in the rain.

I love it when you're running wild, letting yourself, me, free, splashing colours everywhere. I just want to grab other people's hands and drag them to the dance. I love it when you're laughing, loudly, even better when you jolted others around you, oh, their surprised look, priceless.

Just be sure to take care of your body. Don't over tasking them. Work hard, play hard, but rest hard also.

Have you been thinking about going on a trip somewhere? No? Then, allow me to make a gentle request. Let me put the idea in your head. Go on, go to wherever you're thinking, there might be a surprise waiting for us, *hint: it will make our heart flutter*.

Let's make it a ritual to go on a trip every year. Let's give our mind and spirit a makeover. Dust off any tangled mess we have and prepare a space for new things to come into. I'm so excited.

It's got me thinking lately, there's this small blinking light in the back of our mind, sometimes I can see it, sometimes I can't. I want to find out what it is. It's like a signal, trying to reach us, can you feel it? Sometimes, there's this odd feeling swelling inside that you can't put your hand on and naming it. I think if we can sit still, quiet, in the dark, we could see it better. It's guiding us. To where? I got a feeling that it's somewhere deep, somewhere with a treasure, waiting for us. If we can uncover it, it will be the greatest gift that the universe has ever given us. So let's go and find it.

Love, myself.

4. Green

I have some news for you. Brace yourself for changes. They're coming, very fast, very soon. Sit yourself tight. I don't want to give spoilers, but I guess we will receive some sudden confessions or offers. What you will do with those confessions is completely your choice. You don't have to feel guilty if you don't return their feelings, my dear.

I think the way the universe is sending us this kind of surprise is telling us to reconsider our 'single' thinking mode. We have stood alone, strong and independent for so long, I think it actually makes us a little too comfortable in being alone that the thought of getting into a connection with someone can be daunting. Will we lose our freedom? What if we are dependent on them? This time, the universe is saying: 'you and your worries will not make a good journey together, break up with those worries, here, I will throw in some opportunities for you to practice '.

If you don't want romantic connection at the moment, fine, different types of connections will come. No matter what, the universe is determined to get us involved with other people. It's for our own good. I have to admit that it's hard. It's not easy to change our way of thinking and believing. So surprises will be needed.

When opportunities come, the gate is opened, we just need to receive them. Walking through the gate will feel like walking out of a confinement into the wild, lively world outside. We will be propelled into a new path that we hadn't even considered in the past. Beware of what you said in the past about how you don't want to do something, you can't imagine yourself doing something. Well, guess what, we are going to do just that, joke on us.

So, in the meantime, even if you're resisting, it's fine. Just take care of yourself, of us. Obsessive worrying can sadden our body.

Something is going away, giving space to a new energy coming in. This new energy will be softer, more loving. The harshness of the past will go away soon. Trust me.

Love, Your companion.

[anne-chloe]

Imagine : They don’t realise that you can’t swim

Peter Pan x Reader

Summary : The Lost boys go swimming at mermaid lagoon, they toss you in and you nearly drown

Warning : Near death experience, drowning

“Come on, [Name]!”

You stood on the sidelines of the lagoon, fingers nervously twisting with the hem of your shirt. It was a bad idea for you to have even joined the Lost Boys in the mermaid lagoon, because you knew they’d want to swim deep and would drag you with them.

It was with this very thought that you resolved to back out, to announce that you were tired and you’d return to the camp.

But you were suddenly grabbed from behind.

You craned your head back to see Devin. His arms squeezed your waist as he lifted you up, your feet kicking wildly in protest. You gasped as he started to near the edge of the rocky slope, the deep water too close for comfort.

“No! Stop!” You shouted, wiggling your shoulders back and forth for release.

Devin snickered. “It’s a bit of water! Lighten up!”

Then, he threw you into the water.

The waters surface broke as you sank towards the bottom. Your entire body was stiff and tense, and you felt awfully like a rock in that moment. You let out a scream, air bubbles leaving your mouth as no sound came out.

You blinked, eyes stinging at the murky greens and blue of the lagoons depths. You couldn’t see the surface any more; you couldn’t see anything at all.

Surrounded and suffocated by the water, you felt your heart hammer wildly out of beat at the thought of dying in the mermaid lagoon.

A pair of arms wrapped around your waist before you felt the water rush past your skin. Within seconds, you broke the surface and let out a panicked gasp for air. You grabbed blindly at the person who had saved you; you were far too aware of the lack of ground beneath your feet.

“Calm down, calm down—“

Who was that talking?

You were pulled from the water and pushed onto the rocky slope. The hard ground brought immediate comfort and relief, and you couldn’t help but lie flat.

There was that terrible, salty taste of water on your lips, and your eyes stung horribly from the sea water. You coughed and panted for air, your lungs burning as water came rushing out your mouth.

“Look at me, [Name]— are you alright? Breathe!”

You squeezed your eyes shut, suddenly finding the afternoon sun too bright to handle. Then, when you reopened your eyes you found yourself staring into those familiar green ones. Instead of the usual mischief that you’d see, you found only worry and what appeared to be guilt.

“P-Peter…?” You stammered, another coughing fit cutting you off.

Peter sighed loudly and pulled you in for a hug. His arms around you gave the strange sense of ease and comfort. “Why didn’t you say that you couldn’t swim?”

“I-I didn’t think it was important,” you coughed again, watching in disgust as water dripped from your face. You couldn’t tell if they were tears or from the sea.

Peter glared harshly at you, his arms giving a small squeeze. “Of course it was important,” he scolded, ��you could have died.”

You lowered your head, feeling awkward and ashamed that you had troubled Peter and the Lost Boys like that. “I’m sorry, Peter. I just didn’t think something like this would ever happen.”

Peter rolled his eyes. “The Lost Boys will think twice about doing something like that again,” he muttered.

As Peter held you close to his chest, you couldn’t help but wonder why he had been the one to pull you from the water. Usually, he was so cold and cruel with the Lost Boys, never stepping in to save them if they needed rescuing. His excuse was that “all Lost Boys should take care of themselves, if they can’t then they’re weak.” It was only fair to assume that the rule applied to you.

But with one subtle glance around the lagoon, you could see that the Lost Boys were just as stunned as you.

[kelin-is-writing]

Some of you… Guys… who lack empathy and overall emotional intelligence, kinda love to run your mouth waaaaaay too much and end up saying things that make 0 sense. This fandom is also waaaaay too comfortable with victim blaming Rei and Touya for everything that has happened to the Todorokis while Endeavor gets away with it, for no reason at all at that.

“OhHh BuT hE fElLs SoRrY fOr EvErYtHiNg He DiD”

I’m going to be completely honest with you all: I don’t give a flying fuck that he’s now swimming in his sorrows. He better be drowning in them actually. Because there’s a consequence to everything we do. ALWAYS. Besides, if he was going to feel ohh so sorry about what he did to his family, then he simply shouldn’t have done none of it to begin with.

He can’t go on fill his child like a balloon the way he did and then expect said balloon to not explode after he had blew way too much air into it. That’s egotistical.

You also can’t buy your wife (who was still a minor at the time), have her pop out kids like she’s some kind of kids machine for your greedy needs and even force two of them on her before you go ahead and start physically and mentally abusing her, then expect for there to not be any repercussions on your family’s relationships.

Blaming a kid who got his whole life and being manipulated and then gaslighted by his own father, who remembered he indeed had an eldest son only when it was too late, and a woman who was sold to a greedy, egotistical, egocentric, narcissistic and selfish man when she was a kid who had one option worse than the other (We all know that the Himuras ain’t any more sane than Endeavor) is so weird guys, please.

Touya was treated like a human weapon by his own father, who as soon as he saw no more use in him and his quirk just casted the kid aside (which was before Natsuo was even conceived btw). So where’s the favoritism in this? Where? Because I can’t see it anywhere, no matter how hard I look for it. And why is that? Because there’s none. So you lot can stop being delusional about this topic, ‘cause it doesn’t stand up not even if you force it. You can’t erase the manipulation (into making him think he could become the #1 Hero, surpass All Might for his father and be the strongest) and then the gaslighting (telling him he can’t do any of that anymore since his quirk won’t permit it, telling Touya he should give up on his dream because it will never happen after Endeavor ingrained all that into his mind) just like that, then call all of this favoritism. Do you all even know what favoritism is? Or you just find out words on the Internet, ignore completely their meaning, and run with them blindly? Because I am bewildered by how some of you guys be coming on here to just say anything… Touya got failed by his parents and his siblings, because he was ignored and neglected by his siblings as much as he was by his parents (Shoto excluded because Endeavor was busy grooming him this time around) but none of you guys even call them out on Touya going through all of that alone, for some reason, while being okay with what Natsuo and Fuyumi told him as soon as they got into the battlefield. Like they ain’t bad siblings too and Endeavor wasn’t the reason they all lost each others as a family, literally do not piss me off I beg. I’m firmly convinced some of you guys pick and choose who you defend in the Todofam, but like… Everything you guys say makes no sense? It just shows me that some of you lack, as I said at the very beginning of the post, empathy and emotional intelligence. Which is sad.

You all can say “We’ve all gone through hard times alone” as much as you want, but that is not normal at all, towards any time of relationship but especially towards family. It’s not healthy and it can hurt a person a lot, making them close in themselves and when it starts to hurt from the inside the moment you stop getting all of the pent up stress inside it’s no good at all. And for the record, Touya (or just anyone) venting or opening himself to Natsuo about what he’s going through it’s not trauma dumping. It’s never trauma dumping if you genuinely care for someone (clarifying this before any of you emotional ignorant peoples come at me about this 🫠). So Natsuo and Fuyumi being in all of this too shouldn’t be used as an excuse for pushing their brother’s concerns and feelings under the rug, families are supposed to go through these type of situations as a family if they want to keep living happily as such, but they remembered this after one of them died and their youngest sibling was being still raised as a fighting machine by their abusive father. So, mind you, but they all (except Shoto) owe Touya some big ass apologies written down on a letter with tears if I gotta be honest.

As for Rei; she became a mother young, went through a lot all alone because mind you Mr. Husband was waaaaay too busy trying to groom their son into a Hero machine that could beat someone he is incapable of beating (Because a nullity will always be a nullity after all, even when becoming a #1 after the former #1 retirement, if they insist on projecting ofc) to help and guide his young and inexperienced wife through a wedding like theirs. How was she supposed to not lose her mind after being sold, neglected, beaten up, verbally abused, forced to pop out kids like a gachapon, seeing her fourteen years old son lose himself into the void because of his father and then he dies too, without never getting love nor affection from his father (the one he looked up to) the way a kid wants, needs and is supposed to get which is something I’m 100% sure led her to depression. You all diminish too much the grief a mother feels when she loses her kids. There’s much a mother, a human, can handle; and for Rei it got to a point where every trace of Endeavor disgusted her so much her whole body rejected his entire existence leading her to a mental breakdown. One that was due to come earlier if we think about it, but she was strong enough for her remaining kids until she couldn’t do it anymore. What she did to Shoto is wrong, I know and I acknowledge, but she’s a traumatized person who sees her abuser everywhere she goes because, unfortunately, it’s the person she was forced to marry. She apologized to Shoto right away, because she was still mature and sane enough to recognize her mistake right when it happened.

But Endeavor’s ego is so big that it took him his eldest son nearly blowing everyone up and becoming a walking torch before he finally apologized to the whole family for his wrong doings of 10 years prior. Which is crazy to me.

So I’m gonna need you all to stop erase Endeavor’s wrongdoings and try to gaslight the whole fandom into blaming Rei and Touya for the mistakes of someone else, because they’re the biggest victims in all of this shit.

That being said, hope y’all get well soon 🫶🏻💜

[katsu28]

hi there! i absolutely lovee your writing, it's so cute and beautiful!! i hope you're having a good day/night <3

can i make a request for Carlos + holding both their hands while holding their gaze gently, before leaning in for a kiss?

thank you so much, and please take your time, there's no rush! thank you for writing so well, and feeding into F1 fans' delusions! :) sending lots of love and hugs! 🤍

you are so sweet, thank you!! hope you enjoy <3

carlos sainz x reader, 1.2k.

You can’t sleep. 

It’s four in the morning and you should be asleep because you’re exhausted and you have a flight in a few hours, but you’re so nervous that you can’t for the life of you bring yourself to close your eyes. 

You’re flying to Madrid with Carlos to spend the first week of summer break with his family, and to say he’s excited is an understatement. He hasn’t seen his family in ages. The first thing he did when you told him you got some time off work during the break was propose that the two of you take a trip to his home city for a little bit. 

You, on the other hand, well, you feel like you’re about to shit a brick. This is the first time you’ll be meeting his family. You’re not typically a nervous person, but this has got your stomach tied up in knots.

It’s not something you can really talk to Carlos about either, not without bringing up your hesitation. Realistically, you’re probably just overthinking things, but as you stare up at the ceiling for what seems like forever and glancing over at the clock to see that it’s really only been a few minutes, you give up on sleep. 

Beside you, Carlos snores like there’s no tomorrow, barely moving a muscle as you slip out from under the covers and leave the room as quiet as you can. He’s always been a heavy sleeper. 

You pad out to the living room, sinking onto the large sofa with a defeated sigh. It’s quiet this time of day—too quiet for your liking. The city of Monte Carlo is asleep. Not even the birds are awake right now, but then again, neither should you. 

This trip has gotten you all out of sorts lately. When Carlos had first confirmed it with his family, you didn’t think it would affect you that much. Meeting people was nothing new to you, and not to toot your own horn or anything, but you always did well with past significant other’s families. 

As the trip grew closer, however, you started to worry. This isn’t just anyone’s family you’re meeting, this is Carlos’ family. The family of the man you know you want to spend the rest of your life with. The family who made that man into who he is today, who loves him just as much, if not more than you love him. 

Making a good first impression with them is an immense amount of pressure, and you’re definitely feeling it. 

Absentmindedly, you switch on the TV. You don’t even want to watch anything, you just need something on so you don’t think yourself into the ground before the sun comes up. Nothing good is on at this time either, so you settle on some nature documentary about sea turtles to drown out the noise. 

“What are you doing?” 

You startle, tearing your eyes away from the TV to see Carlos standing in the hallway, half shrouded by darkness, squinting at you through sleepy eyes. His hair is flat on one side from his pillow, and he’s scratching his chest absentmindedly as a yawn rips through him. 

You’re not even sure how long you’ve been watching turtles swim, but one glance out the large windows across from you tells you that it’s been a while, because the sky is starting to brighten beyond the horizon. 

You mute the channel, pressing your lips together guiltily. “Did I wake you? I’m so sorry, Carlos.” 

“You didn’t,” He mumbles, shuffling towards you. “I woke up and you weren’t next to me. Got worried. Are you alright?” 

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just couldn’t sleep.” There must be something different in your voice you don’t hear that Carlos does, because he cocks his head, suddenly looking wide awake. 

“Something is bothering you,” He says matter-of-factly, narrowing his eyes at you. You open your mouth to protest, but he’s quick to fill the silence before you can even utter a word. “You can’t tell me it’s nothing because if it was, we would not be having this conversation right now. We would still be asleep.” 

He’s looking at you like he sees right through you, so you know there’s no point in trying to make up some excuse. You sigh, shoulders sagging. “It’s stupid.”

Carlos crouches down in front of you, tilting his head. “If it’s bothering you this much, it isn’t stupid. Talk to me, corazón, let me help you.” 

“What if your family hates me?” You blurt, fidgeting with the blanket across your lap. “What if they think you could do better, what if they think I’m not good enough for you, or—” 

“Look at me,” He says softly, holding his hands out to you, palms up. You sigh, but oblige anyways, sliding your hands into his outstretched ones. He squeezes once, twice, then a third time. “You are thinking too much into it.” 

“I know, I know, I just—I can’t help it. I really want them to like me.” 

“My family will love you, I know it already.” 

“How are you so sure?” You whine, shoulders sagging. Your chin drops down towards your chest only for a second before Carlos tuts, bringing your gaze back to his with just a sound. Big, beautiful, melty chocolate brown eyes stare back at you, perfect lips turned down into a frown. “What? It’s possible.” 

“No, it is not. I’m very happy with you, and if I am happy, they are happy. They only want the best for me, and that is you.” 

“Carlos…” You whine, pouting at him with teary eyes. 

“What? What did I say wrong?” He looks panicked, brows flying up in immediate concern. His hands squeeze yours again, though a little tighter this time. “I thought I was being quite romantic.” 

“You’re so sweet to me.” 

His face melts into a fond smile. “That’s my job as your number one fan, no?” 

He grabs your chin gently between his index finger and thumb, studying you for a few beats before pressing his lips against yours gently. You sink into him like you always do, letting your eyes flutter shut as you kiss him back wholeheartedly. 

Carlos loves you, and that’s all you need to reassure yourself. 

“Now that we have settled that, will you come back to bed? You don’t sleep well on planes, and I know how grumpy you get when you are tired.” 

You let him pull you to your feet in lieu of an answer, falling against him as he pulls you under his arm and into his side snugly. “I don’t get that grumpy,” You huff, nudging him in the side. The sharpness of your elbow into his ribs has him letting out a grunt, one that he masks with a snort of laughter. 

“You don’t get that grumpy?” He repeats, sounding more than amused. “I seem to remember on the way back from Miami in May when you nearly bit off Lando���s head for waking you up because we were about to land.”

“He dragged us to seven different clubs until five in the morning even though our flight was at six. Were you not grumpy?” 

“Yes, but I can hide it well. You are an open book, mi amor, one I know very well.” 

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[diamond-champagne]

2. I Want to See You

Paige Bueckers x Azzi Fudd

Warnings: More Angst and suggestive content

Feedback is always welcome :)

Paige feels like she’s drowning. She isn’t swimming; in fact, she would actually prefer that she were. She’s suffocating. It’s been four days since she woke up alone; and in those four days, she feels as if her heart has been ripped out. She’s tired.

At least, that’s what she’s been telling anyone who asked. It’s not a lie. She hasn’t had much time for sleep between basketball and classes. The very little time that she does have to sleep, isn’t good sleep. 

She looks and feels like crap. It’s been a long four days. 

The bright side is that she has barely seen Azzi; so it’s been easier to cope with her arching heart. Or at least, that’s what she thought.

-

Paige is exhausted. Her body drags as she walks through the hallways of her apartment building. Practice was particularly hard today and she had 2 exams. All she wants to do is take a hot shower and plop in her bead. The thought of sleep motivates her to walk a little faster to her apartment. 

By the time she gets to her door, she’s out of breath. Paige practically ran down the long hallway to get to her front door; too eager for sleep. She makes her way into her apartment and immediately heads for the shower. She’s in the middle of washing her hair when she hears her front door open. 

It startles Paige. Not because of why someone is in her apartment; but because of who. There’s only one person who has the ability to come and go in the spaces that Paige claims as her own. However, that person hasn’t done so in almost four weeks.

Paige takes her time finishing her shower; knowing that her guest will still be there when she’s done. The blue-eyed girl makes her way into her bedroom, thirty minutes later. As expected, Azzi is spread out on the left side, in her pajamas. 

“What are you doing here?”. Paige is direct and straight to the point. She’s tired and all she wants to do is sleep.

“I wanted to see you, plus I thought we could cuddle.”

“You should be with your girlfriend.” It comes out bitter and Paige knows it. At this moment, she doesn’t care.

“Riley is pulling an all nighter for some exam that she has coming up” Azzi shrugs as if it’s a perfectly good explanation as to why she’s in Paige’s bed. As if it's okay that she's in her bed.

Paige scoffs as she moves to get ready for bed. “So you didn’t want to see me; you just couldn’t see her.” Her annoyance grows as she sifts through her dresser; looking for a shirt to sleep in. 

“Don’t say that, P. I always want to see you.”

“No; you always want to fuck me” Paige says pointedly with her back to Azzi. She’s so busy digging in her dresser that she doesn’t notice Azzi rising from the bed. She crowds Paige’s space; flushing her front completely against the taller girl’s back while she wraps her arms around her waist. 

“How could I not when you beg so prettily?” Azzi rasps. Her hands undoing to knot to Paige’s robe; letting it fall open. The cold air and Azzi’s touch make Paige gasp. Her entire body is on fire. Azzi’s fingers trail up and down Paige’s sides. It’s a simple action but it leaves Paige craving more. She turns around; getting ready to take exactly what she wants when she looks at Azzi’s shirt. Or should she say Riley’s shirt. It’s a navy blue UConn shirt; one that could’ve passed as either one of basketball player’s; however UConn Volleyball is printed on the upper left corner of the shirt.

Paige was tired, but now she’s pissed. And hurt. How dare she?

“Were you going to fuck me in her shirt?” Every word is coated with disgust. She doesn’t even realize she’s crying. 

“Shit! P, look I didn’t realize. I was with her before I came here! Fuck!” Azzi rushes to get her words out. Her mind is racing to find a way to fix this.

“So you came here for what, exactly? It comes out through gritted teeth. Paige knows that the last week was anything but ideal; but she hasn’t felt as used as she does right now. “She wasn’t available so you came here? Hoping I’d be waiting?” 

“N-Not at all.” Azzi’s heart clenches. 

“But isn’t it? You’re all over me one second and then all over her the next.” Paige sneers. She angrily wipes her tears as she rushes to put clothes on. 

She spent the last few days being sad. Now she’ll spend the next few being angry. Angry at Azzi. Angry at Riley. Angry at herself.

Azzi grabs at Paige in a desperate attempt to get the older girl to listen to her. “P, Please!’

“Get out.” It’s cold and even. 

“No’-”

“Get out.” Paige says emotionless. She watches as Azzi looks at her; eyes full of hurt. Normally, she’d fight wars to never see that look on the curly-haired girl’s face. These aren’t normal circumstances. She’s hurt too.

It’s the fifth night in the row that Paige has cried herself to sleep.

-

“She did what?” Blair asked, shocked.

The two had met up later that week to hang out and vent. They’re at a restaurant not far from campus. It’s small and secluded.

“She wore her fucking shirt.” Paige shakes her head at the memory. She hasn’t spoken to Azzi since then; doing everything in her power to avoid the girl. It’s nearly impossible with them being on the same team, but Paige has managed to successfully evade all attempts of a conversation.

Blair gives her a sympathetic look followed by a sigh. “You know you deserve better right?” 

“I know; but I love her.” Paige sighs with defeat. “It’s exhausting only receiving half of her.”

“You’re too full of life to be half loved.”

It’s a simple enough statement; but it does something to Paige. It makes her think. In fact, that’s all she thinks about for the rest of the day.

-

It’s Friday night and the team has filed into Aubrey’s apartment after their game against USC. The Huskies pulled off an amazing win with 89-63. The celebration is well deserved and needed. 

The girls sit around the dining room table; laughing and giggling while playing UNO. They have total privacy so the alcohol is flowing a bit freely tonight. Paige is in the middle of deciding which card she wants to play when Azzi and Riley walk through the door. She’s irritated but not surprised. Riley was at the game earlier that night; completely decked out in an Azzi Fudd Jersey with “35” splayed across her chest. 

The team welcomes them and immediately moves to arrange the chairs so that they can fit around the table. Jana takes the initiative to deal them cards so that they can join. Paige decided at that moment that she needed another drink. 

Paige is in the middle of adding the sprite into her Shirley Temple when she gets the idea to invite Blair. Not wanting to think about the decision too long or linger in the kitchen, she shoots her a quick message before returning to the game of UNO. Everyone is slightly squished together to accommodate the couple but in an uncomfortable amount. It helps that Azzi opted to sit on Riley’s lap instead of her own chair. The sight makes Paige’s blood boil.

How dare she sit on her lap knowing I sat on her face last week! Paige thinks to herself. She shakes her head at the thought while smirking to herself. She picks up her UNO cards and begins to sift through them when she hears a chirp from across the table.

“What’s so funny, Paige?” Riley asked pointedly as she stared at her. Paige almost wants to ask if there’s an underlying question’ but she doesn’t. This isn’t the time nor the place. She recovers quickly, though. “Just thinking about how nice it’ll be to win this game.”

“Are you sure about that?” Riley raises her eyebrow cockily. “Azzi is my good luck charm.” She looks up at Azzi with a smile. She almost excuses herself when she hears a knock on the door. Aubrey disappears for a split second, and when she comes back, Blair is on her heels.

Unable to mask her excitement, Paige jumps up and engulfs Blair in a tight hug. She leans her head on the other girl’s shoulder and whispers quietly “Thank you for coming.” Blair pulls back first so she can look Paige in the eyes when she tells her “Anything for you.” 

The two haven’t been friends long but they’ve helped each other in different ways. Blair is helping Paige realize that she deserves more than just crumbs of someone’s time. Paige helped Blair navigate the difficulties of her long distance relationship with her boyfriend, Nate. They have shared a few deep conversations and have voiced their insecurities. Paige considers her to be a close friend.

A throat clears from the table. “P boogers, are you going to introduce us?” KK asked.

Paige apologizes and introduces Blair to the team. Like clockwork, the girls start shuffling to make room for her around the table. While they do this, Paige runs to get her a drink. 

She’s in the middle of measuring out the shots when Azzi walks into the kitchen.

“Who is she?” Azzi’s voice is unsteady and tainted with something that Paige can’t identify. Regardless, she has no interest in playing this game tonight. 

“A friend.”

“Bullshit. I know all your friends and I haven’t met her” Azzi grits out. 

“She’s a fairly new friend. I met her at the bar last week.”

“Is that the girl you spent all night talking to?” Jealousy creeps up Azzi’s throat. 

“Why? Jealous?” Paige counters. She smirks with an eyebrow raised. She knows the answer.

Azzi moves from her spot to crowd Paige’s space. She backs her up so she's trapped between Azzi’s body and the counter.

“Should I be?” Azzi whispers. She’s so close to Paige that her breath lightly fans her face.

Paige closes the gap between them some more; eliminating the space between their bodies. She moves as if she’s going in for a kiss. Her lips brush Azzi’s as she speaks “As long as you have a girlfriend, no.”

The reminder of Riley is like a bucket of cold water to Azzi; the shock prevalent on the younger girl’s face. Paige takes advantage and pushes past her; joining the rest of the team in the dining room.

PREVIOUS | NEXT

[bbagelbitch]

Assorted Nekoma headcanons: (just for funzies)

(they've been sitting in my archives for YEARS)

First years:

Lev actually managed to get a girlfriend at one point about halfway through first year, she asked him out because she thought he was cute, broke up with him a week and a half later after realizing he’s a dumbass and a bit of a weirdo

Shibuyama is one of those people who you’d think he’s just listening to Taylor swift or something but he unplugs his earbuds and its like- little darkie or some screamo heavy metal LMAO

Shibuyama has a helicopter mom which feeds his anxiety to the point that he carries pepper spray with him sometimes

Tamahiko has a pet tarantula

Inuoka is the kind of person who’d wear shorts when its snowing out

Inuoka and lev will both unironically do Fortnite dances during practice

Shibayama totally has a bunch of allergies and is a picky eater

Inuoka and lev are basically just human garbage disposals (will eat ANYTHING)

Lev can’t swim

Biblically accurate lev Haiba (gets the worlds WORST sunburns every time he goes outside)

Lev has low blood pressure and will randomly faint when standing up too fast (Kenma has the same problem but refuses to admit it)

Inuoka is one of those people who types in all caps the majority of the time. Every literature and language teacher he’s ever had has told him off for using way too many exclamation points. (He can’t help it he’s just a happy little dude)

Lev texts constant updates about what he’s doing t the team group chat to the point where he’s been kicked off of it more times than he can count. (Usually for talking about taking a shit) (see Charles Boyle from B-99 for reference)

Second years:

Fukunaga and Kenma rarely have actual text conversations but they’re constantly sending memes back and forth to each other

Tora actually has fairly curly hair and it was a borderline afro when he was in elementary school (he’s part latino in my mind argue with the wall)

Kenma listens to almost exclusively video game soundtracks (skyward sword is his favourite)

Tora totally listens to girypop rap (he is 100% a Flo milli Stan sorry)

Tora has asked kai for advice on how to talk to girls SEVERAL times and the information that you should just talk to them like they’re normal people blows his mind every time (how does kai do it? Is he a witch? A demon?

Fukunaga owns at least 3 cats and they all have weird names (inspired by my friend who’s cat’s name is Fax Machine)

Kenma is the world’s driest texter (canon actually)

Also fukunaga uses :3 constantly

Fukunaga and kenma constantly bully Tora about his obsession with looksmaxing and say shit like “he can’t talk he’s too busy mewing” LMFAO (you either drip or you drown taketora)

Tora knows how to braid hair cause he’d help akane with her hair when they were younger

All of the second years used to bite people when they were kids

Third years:

The third years have done group costumes for halloween since their first year

Kai is basically the team’s dedicated tutor (Kuroo is too snarky and yaku is too impatient)

Kuroo listens to western (English) music cause he thinks it makes him seem cool and he developed a superiority complex about it. “Oh you haven’t heard of Radiohead?”

Also kuroo and yaks have pretty similar music taste (a lot of modern rock) but the key difference is Kuroo likes arctic monkeys and yaku likes the strokes (they argue about which band is better constantly (yaku is right, its the strokes))(cause they always have to be arguing about something smh)

Kai also totally has a longtime girlfriend in high school bro is possibly the only person on the team who’s done ANYTHING with a girl (probably one of the only people on the whole damn SHOW)

Kai defo knows martial arts I would not want to face him in a fight

Kuroo still uses emoticons instead of emojis :3 ;D and whenever he does, yaku makes fun of him and tells him to “get with the times”

Yaku 100% repeats what Kuroo says in a mocking tone whenever the opportunity arises

Kai is the type of person to say “personality” when asked if he prefers tits or ass

Miscellaneous:

Nekoma is the most neurodivergent team in the whole show bruh like come on 

(autistic: Lev, Kenma, fukunaga.)(kenma totally also has ARFID)

(ADHD: Inuoka, Yamamoto, (both textbook cases of ADHD in guys) Kuroo, fukunaga) (Fukunaga my AuDHD king)

(OCD: Tamahiko, shibuyama (I just get vibes ok leave me alone) 

(Yaku isn’t neurodivergent he just has anger issues lmao) 

Kai is the only sane one on the entire team

Kuroo is also 100% one of those kids who got diagnosed with adhd really young so he appears mostly normal thanks to being medicated from the age of like- 6

Every single person on the team is oblivious as to when someone is flirting with them (kai is the exception)(girls pull out the wow your hands are so big and you’re so tall all the time and NOBODY reads into it)

Kai exclusively smells like a mix of vanilla and sandalwood and on the other side of that spectrum, Yamamoto reeks of axe body spray and b.o. No matter how many times Kenma tells him that axe actually drives girls away, Tora never listens.

Akane becomes manager of the boys volleyball team once she reaches high school (the first years will be third years by then)

The team all protective as HELL over akane (canon tbh)

[stirthewaters]

You Miss Her

SUMMARY: You're known as being a bubbly person, but when Wednesday snaps at you, it's as if a hole has formed in your chest, and you've never felt more empty.

WARNINGS: Angst, angst, and more angst. So much angst.

A/N: Just so you are aware there is a Part Two:

You Miss Her - Pt. 2

______________________________________________________________

You're known for being a very optimistic person. You're always friendly to people, unafraid to greet others with one of your famous hugs, and spew comments to your friends when you see them, so as the girlfriend of Wednesday Addams, it's starting to get on her nerves.

Even though Wednesday wouldn't openly admit that she definitely has a soft spot for you, after a long and disappointing day of finding next to nothing in terms of clues to the Hyde's whereabouts, your bubbly personality is quite the opposite of what she needs right now, so when you burst into her room when she's writing, she takes a deep breath, not acknowledging you in any way.

Since you're girlfriends, Wednesday always allowed you to join her during her writing time; occasionally she'd ask your opinions on her latest chapter, and even though she wouldn't admit it, she enjoyed your soft chattering as she wrote, even if it was albeit very distracting, but being Wednesday, what she needs right now is quiet, and you're anything but.

When you enter, you can almost immediately tell that Wednesday isn't acting like normal. Her typical rigid posture is somehow impossibly more stiff than usual, and she's practically pounding the keys of her typewriter with her fingers. Her deadpan expression is hardened, her eyebrows furrowed and her mouth fixed in a frown.

As usual, you're a bit tentative to approach. You sit on Enid's bed, watching her write for a moment.

"A-are you okay?" You say quietly. Of course it's a stupid question; as Wednesday's girlfriend you can obviously tell that she isn't okay, but you don't really know what else to ask at this point.

Wednesday doesn't respond, silently pausing for a moment to take a deep breath before continuing, gritting her teeth to try and drown out your gaze that burns into the back of her neck.

"Because I can get you something if you need me to...maybe I could turn on some music? Or maybe you should-"

You're cut off when Wednesday snaps. She pushes her chair away from the desk, whirling around to face you with a glare so withering that you feel yourself flinching away.

"What I need is for you to get your incessantly infuriating presence away from me. You're always pathetically trying to please everyone and it is getting on my nerves. I swear to god that if I hear your cheery tone of voice one more time around me I will murder you myself and laugh at your grave," she spews furiously, words flying faster and faster. "If you weren't trying to make friends all the time then maybe you'd be a bit more aware of the people around you. You are pathetic," she spits.

Cut to the bone, you look at her, eyes swimming with tears. Wednesday is known for being snarky, but this time you can tell that she really means it. Not wanting to give her the satisfaction of seeing you cry, you stand stiffly, trying and failing to keep your tears from spilling.

Wednesday's eyes widen slightly as well. Clearly she hurt you badly, and she feels an emotion she doesn't feel often; guilt.

"Fine," you spit, turning on your heel and wiping your face with your sleeve and storming towards the door, letting the tears flow as you slam the door of her dorm behind you, ignoring Wednesday hesitantly calling your name.

You push past students in the hall, furious and feeling bitter and ashamed of yourself. You can feel your powers broiling, and you force your way towards your dorm, flames crackling at your fingertips as you throw you door open.

As soon as the door is slammed behind you, you collapse onto your bed, sobbing. What hurts the most is the fact that you agree with her. You try so hard to make friends, but it's as if you draw away all the people you meet as soon as they gain knowledge of your pyrokinetic abilites, even though you have complete control over them.

Through the whole afternoon, you curl in a fetal position on your bed, unable to cry due to having no tears left. Your mind is filled with memories whirling around and around.

Even though she's uncomfortable to touch, she knows you like it, and does her best to give you stiff hugs or a small kiss here and there when she knows you need it.

As if she has telepathy, she comes to your dorms on the nights you've texted her about being unable to sleep, joining you in bed, albeit a bit stiffly.

Knowing you're sucky at conflict, she defends you when you're being bullied by normies at Weathervane.

Holding your hand when you're feeling down.

Teasing you because she knows you like it.

And now-

She called you pathetic.

And it cuts deep because it hurts, and it sucks the warmth from your heart, because it's true.

You can't do anything right for her.

You try so hard.

You try not to be obnoxiously chatty, or friendly.

But clearly you're just not trying hard enough.

When she tries too, and does an actually decent job.

And your girlfriend is calling you the thing you've always been called by your parents, your bullies, and your old schoolmates.

The night passes. Of course you don't sleep. You lay awake in bed, staring at the ceiling, wishing, wishing that you weren't so annoying to everyone around you.

And of course you don't text Wednesday. She doesn't text you either, but that's normal for her.

The next day, you skip classes. You know that you're sulking, but you don't care. It's as if your heart was shattered into pieces that are now impossible to find, and instead is replaced with that same feeling. That ache that reminds you, reminds you that you are pathetic, and you don't want to see Wednesday at all. The only thing you feel for her right now is that anger that makes you feel like crap.

Weems, of course, sends you to detention, but you don't care. It won't matter anyway. Enid frantically texts you throughout the day; clearly Thing informed her of the situation, since there wasn't a chance Wednesday would have. You don't respond.

After detention, you head for the woods. You feel empty. Empty. That little voice reminds you constantly what a failure you are and you want it out. The Academy begins to disappear behind you as you venture deeper and deeper into the forest's reach, until you're able to cry.

It's well after dark when you realize that you should probably head back to Nevermore, but if you return, that same raven haired girl will be there; and even though you don't want to admit it, you still somehow want her.

You want her warm breath over your shoulder as she faces you when you're asleep, always saying that it was an accident that she had her arms around you when you slept.

You want her deadpan tone that speaks with a touch of affection when you ask her about her day.

You want the discussions about her novel, going in depth on character motivations, and how she asks your opinion, even though she won't admit that she cares about what you think of it.

You miss how you'll watch scary movies with her, never admitting that they do scare you; you just want to spend time with her.

You miss her teasing tone, because she somehow knows that it makes your heart race, and your face go red.

And you miss her. Oh, you miss her so bad that it hurts that cave in your chest.

So when you hear her calling your name, you're positive that you're imagining things.

{____________________________________________________________}

[libraryofgage]

Mermaid/Pirate Steddie Five

One | Two | Three | Four

*slaps top of the fic* this bad boi has everything: mermaids, fluff, reunions, Eddie being a simp, protective mom Steve

Anyway, stick around to the very very end for a meme hot off the presses about this part lmao

as always, if you see any typos, no you didn't ;P

----

It takes Robin and the guppies three days to reach the ship Erica mentioned. They're all irritable, and the only thing that keeps them from snapping at each other is the idea that Steve might be hurt or in danger. Robin thinks they might have torn each other apart otherwise, and she can't even say for sure that she would have stopped the guppies from engaging in a full-on brawl.

So, to say she's beyond relieved when they finally catch up to the ship is an understatement.

But now they need to plan. The ship is way too close to a port city; close enough that any of the pirates could survive long enough to swim that way and spread the story of a murderous pod. Which, honestly, wouldn't do much for keeping all mermaids safe and on good enough terms with humanity that regular humans don't hunt them for sport. It does nothing to stop the pirates, but still.

"We could just make sure to drown everyone," Max suggests, watching the bottom of the ship with narrowed eyes.

Robin almost agrees, but then she stops. Because she knows Steve. If even one person on that ship wasn't an asshole to him, he'd say to spare them, and that could result in the aforementioned spreading of murderous pod stories. But after he's been trapped for so long, Robin wouldn't be able to argue with any request. She's already imagined him dead and strung up like a trophy more than she'd like to admit. She couldn't stand to see him frown after that.

So, she shakes her head, a frustrated bubble pattern flaring from her gills. "We need to be smarter about this," she says.

"We didn't strategize before sinking the other one," Will points out.

"That one kidnapped him. This one might have rescued him, and we should show mercy if that is the case," El says, stretched out and floating on her back. She's the most relaxed of them, and Robin wonders if it's because of that sixth sense she's got going.

"El is right," Robin says, crossing her arms and studying the ship. "We should be more careful about this."

"We could try signaling him," Dustin suggests. "Like, uh, dolphin noises or something."

"If we do that," Lucas says, "we'll need to give him enough time to respond without anyone around."

Robin nods, agreeing with both of them. "Okay, here's what we're gonna do. I'll swim closer while you guys stay here. We have that dumb screech system Steve made us memorize, so I'll use that to signal him. Then we'll wait until the sun rises tomorrow. That should be enough time for him to respond. If he doesn't, we'll sink the ship," she says.

"What if he's not on it?" Mike asks.

"We'll keep one human alive for questioning," Will says, looking at Robin and flashing a tiny, relieved smile when she nods in agreement. "We'll probably have to drown them either way, though."

"Well, we don't need to tell them that," Erica says, snorting as she reaches out to pet a fish that swims by. It's tiny enough to weave through her fingers twice before swimming on.

"Yeah, definitely won't be telling them," Robin agrees, trying and mostly failing to hold back an amused smile. "Okay, stay here. I'll be back after a few minutes. While I'm gone, Erica is in charge."

A chorus of protests chases after Robin as she swims away, heading toward the surface. The sun shines brighter the closer she gets, and she winces when her head finally breaks through the water. It reflects off the ocean, sparkling and blinding as the water shifts and flows.

Robin huffs and sinks down until only her eyes are above the water. The ship is a few yards away, and she can't see anyone moving around on the deck from this distance. She slowly moves closer, her ear fins straining as she tries to listen for any sign of life. Or Steve. Actually, she'd love to hear any sign of Steve from the ship.

Unfortunately, she doesn't.

Once she's close enough to touch the ship, hiding in the shadow it casts over the water, she circles it once. There are a few windows along the hull, but none of them are actually open. That could make it harder for Steve to hear her, but Robin will just be extra loud to compensate.

Robin clears her throat, rolls her shoulders, flicks her tail, and rises until her chin is above the water. She then lets out a sound that can only be classified as the dying shrieks of a dolphin and seagull's abomination of a love child. She makes this noise twice, but each one lasts a few seconds.

Robin can't risk any of the humans seeing her when they investigate the noise. If they are holding Steve captive, they might hurt him even more if they know another mermaid is around. So, she dips below the water, completely submerging and waiting anxiously for a response.

----

Steve has discovered the wonders of just sprawling on a solid surface, his arms thrown to the side and his tail stretched out as he stares up at the ceiling. It's oddly calming, and Steve can almost trick himself into thinking the bobbing of the ship is the ocean itself.

That's what Steve is doing now, forcing himself to relax and brace himself for telling Eddie that he has to leave for a while to find Robin and the guppies. His eyes are closed, and he's running through every possible outcome of that conversation. The second best case scenario (Eddie decides to come with him in a tiny boat) is playing out when he hears it.

The Emergency Shriek.

The last time he'd heard it, Dustin was desperately crying out for help as he struggled against the net that dragged him to the surface. Steve's reaction then had been the exact same as his reaction now. He jolts, his eyes wide and all of his fins flaring in preparation for the fastest swimming of his life, and his lips are pulled back in a vicious snarl to display his fangs and scare off the threat.

But he's on a boat, in the captain's cabin, and that window is way too small for him to climb through. Steve doesn't really think (he can't, actually; his brain has officially gone into Guppies and Robin In Danger Mode). He drags himself to the door of the cabin, digs his fingers into the space beneath, and uses all his strength to rip it off.

The wood groans and the hinges shriek and then the bottom half of the door comes off in his hands. Steve tosses it to the side and crawls through, his tail twitching and flopping in a vain attempt to move faster. If anyone were to actually witness this, they'd probably find it somewhere between utterly terrifying and unfortunately hilarious. A giant fish is dragging and flopping along the floor, but it's also exuding the most intense aura of bloodlust most creatures have ever encountered.

And that bloodlust only gets worse when Steve comes to the stairs that lead to the deck. He stares at them, anger building in his chest at the obstacle they present and just how long it will take to climb them. By the time he reaches the top, Robin and the guppies could be dead, and Steve will have wasted time by uselessly trying to climb some stupid stairs.

He grits his teeth, claws digging into the wood beneath him. And then Steve suddenly realizes that he doesn't have to climb the stairs himself. He takes a deep breath, his gills flaring some to pull in more air, and screams as loud as he can, "EDDIE!"

Steve is absolutely going to reward Eddie for his speed (later, after his guppies and Robin are safe) because he immediately hears something crash above him, followed by swearing and frantic footsteps that stop at the stairs. "Stevie, what the fuck?" Eddie asks, panting as he hurries down the stairs.

"On the deck," Steve says, pushing up onto his tail and wrapping his arms around Eddie's neck when he starts leaning down. "Right now, Eddie. Actually, two minutes ago. As fast as you can. And to the edge of the ship. The railing. Now!"

Eddie, his wonderful and incredible Eddie, doesn't question him. He just scoops Steve up and carries him back up the stairs, fingers digging into Steve's waist when he nearly trips over the final step. He finds his balance again, barely, and strides over to the railing.

Steve can't see anything wrong with the water, but he knows the surface doesn't actually tell him anything useful. He frowns and looks at Eddie. "I'll be back," he promises before letting go of Eddie's neck and twisting to place his hands on the rail.

In one swift motion, he launches himself over the side, grimacing when he feels the edge of his tail fin smack Eddie's cheek along the way. But Steve doesn't let himself linger and focuses on the rush of water around him as he dives below the surface. His gills flare and he breathes for the first time in a while, his hair and body familiarly weightless, and Steve fully realizes how much he fucking missed being in the ocean.

But he can't linger on that relief and joy either.

Steve shoots through the water, swimming to wear he thinks the Emergency Shriek came from, only to be tackled as he rounds the edge of the ship. He yelps, his breath knocked out of him as he goes careening, arms wrapping around his waist like he's going to disappear. It takes exactly one second for him to recognize Robin, her hair floating in front of his eyes and her claws digging into his back.

"You're okay!" she shouts as their momentum starts to falter.

Steve wraps his arms around her and holds her close, one hand on the back of her head and the other around her waist. "Where's the danger?" he asks, scanning the water around them and frowning when he sees nothing.

Robin laughs and pulls away, grinning at him with relief clear in her eyes. "There isn't any, dingus. I was trying to see if you were on that ship," she explains.

Before she can say anything else or Steve can respond, several bodies crash into him from behind. "STEVE!"

They all go careening through the water again, and Steve can't help laughing this time. He tries to hug as many of the guppies as he can, running his fingers through their hair and over their shoulders to reassure himself and them that they're together again. They don't let up, though, and Steve is getting pulled deeper and deeper as they pile on top of him, each trying to get closer as Robin wraps her arms around his neck and buries her face in his nape.

"Okay, okay!" Steve says, a stupidly happy grin on his face, "I'm fine, I promise. I'm not hurt."

"But you were!" Will shouts, managing to push forward long enough for Steve to see the red in his eyes from crying. "We saw your scales in the other ship."

"I healed," Steve promises, gesturing at his tail. This gets the guppies to back off long enough to inspect his tail, all seven of them circling around and inspecting for new injuries.

"What's this?" Erica asks, pointing at the new scar.

"That's the wound that healed."

"I'm so glad you're okay," El says, finishing her inspection first and grabbing Steve's hand.

"Yeah, now we can wreck that ship!" Max says, her eyes lighting up with a vicious glee as she looks at the Corroded Coffin in the distance.

Steve blinks. "Wait, what?"

"This has been healed for a while, Steve," Max explains, gesturing to his tail, "So, they must have been keeping you captive, right? Let's sink them."

"I bet they've got some great treasure on there," Dustin says, lingering closer to Steve's shoulder even as he looks at the ship, studying it with the same face he studies squids he wants to try trapping.

And, yeah, Dustin would be right. There is some great treasure in the Corroded Coffin. Steve's treasure. Eddie. "We are not sinking the ship," he says, his voice firm. It's his official Caretaker Voice, and it makes all the guppies stiffen slightly as they look at him. "The...humans there saved me."

A few seconds pass, and then Robin behind him gasps. "You fell in love!" she shouts, using Steve's shoulders to brace herself as she pushes up and leans over his head. "With a human!"

"Wh-how could you tell?!" Steve asks, looking up at her as the guppies start clamoring for his attention as well.

"Was it the captain?" Will asks, eyes a little brighter but also warier.

"Is he ugly?" Mike asks, his tone implying that he already believes the answer to be yes.

"Dude, how could you fall for a human?!" Dustin shouts, his nose wrinkled up in slight disgust.

"Have you been courting a human the whole time we've been looking for you?" Erica asks, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Yeah! How long have you been healed, then?" Max adds, moving next to Erica and glaring at Steve.

"Wait, so we're not sinking the ship?" Lucas asks, failing to cover his disappointment as he gazes at the ship longingly.

"Congratulations, Steve. I'm sure he's very nice," El says, smiling at him, and Steve almost cries at her simple and accepting response.

"I want to meet him," Robin says.

And her words get the rest of the guppies to quiet down. They all share a few looks and then nod at Steve in sync. "Yeah, we need to meet him," Dustin says, apparently the spokesperson for the group.

Steve blinks, looking at the guppies and Robin. He wanted Eddie to meet his guppies and Robin, of course, but he's a little worried about what they'll do to Eddie. "Only if you promise not to drown him," he says, shooting each of them a hard look.

"I'm insulted you think we would," Robin says, scoffing as she swims to the guppies, facing Steve. "Now, go get your soft and very drownable human down here."

Steve rolls his eyes and motions for the guppies and Robin to follow as he swims toward the surface. He doesn't plan to let them out of his sight, and he knows the feeling is mutual.

----

Exactly twenty minutes and 13 seconds have passed since Steve threw himself over the rail of the ship, and Eddie hasn't moved. He knows his crew is a little concerned, especially when they notice the red cut across his cheek, but he waves them off when they try to pull him away from the railing to focus on something else.

He just can't risk Steve surfacing and not seeing him.

And his paranoia feels validated when Steve does surface and immediately smiles brightly at him, looking somewhere between relieved and ecstatic. "Eddie!" Steve shouts, waving like he doesn't always have Eddie's undivided attention, "Jump in!"

Here's the thing. When a gorgeous merman that Eddie has spent a bunch of time courting (and then kissing) tells him to jump into the ocean, Eddie is going to jump into the fucking ocean. "Just a second," he shouts back.

He kicks off his shoes, waves off Asher and Jeff when they try to convince him to not jump off the ship, and then launches himself over the railing. For a brief moment, Eddie feels weightless, and then he hits the water. His legs sting a little where they broke the surface, the cut on his cheek practically screams in protest, and a cascade of bubbles block his vision just as much as the salt that stings his eyes and makes everything blurry.

The blurriness does nothing to keep him from recognizing Steve when he swims closer, though. Steve is still grinning at him, and Eddie's grin in return falters slightly when he tries to kick to the surface and Steve stops him. Before Eddie can try to signal that he cannot, in fact, breathe underwater, Steve kisses him.

As they kiss, Steve's tongue pushes against Eddie's lips, carefully prying them open. Eddie leans closer to Steve, figuring he doesn't mind dying like this, and falters when he feels a bubble of air roll down his tongue and lodge in his throat. Steve pulls away, and Eddie inhales on reflex. The bubble in his throat gets a tiny bit smaller, and Eddie doesn't get any water in his lungs.

"Tug my arm when the bubble gets too small. You won't be able to talk underwater, but you won't drown." And then he notices the cut on Eddie's face. His smile drops some, and he leans forward, gently tracing his finger along the wound. "Sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you," Steve says, his voice echoing and surrounding Eddie in the water.

Eddie shakes his head, waving his hand dismissively. It's at this point that he notices some blurry shapes a distance away, but he doesn't pay them too much mind. He focuses back on Steve and takes his hand, squeezing reassuringly before kissing his palm.

"It doesn't hurt, right?" Steve asks, his voice a little softer and slightly muffled but still one of the most beautiful things Eddie has ever heard.

Eddie shakes his head again and wraps his free hand around Steve's waist, pulling him closer. This is much easier to do in the water. He kisses Steve again, tasting salt more than anything else, and Steve takes the chance to replenish the air bubble despite its minimal use so far.

When he pulls away, he looks more relaxed. "Promise you'll let me know if you need more air?" he asks, his tone insistent and firm. Steve waits for Eddie to nod before grinning. "Great, because my guppies and Robin want to meet you. And, uh, they're really disappointed about not getting to sink your ship, but don't hold that against them."

Eddie blinks, suddenly wondering if maybe he shouldn't have jumped into the ocean at Steve's beck and call. But then he notices the way Steve moves so naturally in the water, how his hair floats and moves around him, how bubbles rise from his gills as he speaks, and Eddie knows he'd jump without thought all over again.

So, yeah, he guesses it's time to meet some guppies and Robin.

----

Tag List (the tag list is full! I wasn't able to fit everyone, so if you aren't on here, I'd suggest following #high seas steddie. I think you should still get updates on your dash if you do)

@mugloversonly, @raisedbylibrarians, @thegirlwiththelibrarybag, @savory-babby, @vankaar, @beckkthewreck, @itcanbepalped, @imfinereallyy, @finntheehumaneater, @mightbeasleep, @weekend-dreamer7

@whenindoubtb72, @troublemaker2azz, @just-a-tiny-void, @upallnightogetloki, @mxmakessense, @ellietheasexylibrarian, @haelreadsshit, @y4r3luv, @starman-jpg, @littlewildflowerkitten, @estrellami-1, @stevieschrodinger, @gaelicblue, @they-reap-what-we-sow

@5ammi90, @noodle-shenaniganery, @acrolius, @hallelujahimatheist, @rainbow-freckle, @desidrarry-wolfstarshipper, @goodolefashionedloverboi, @79chevyimpala, @aliea82, @hopefulcookieoperatorpersona, @sani-86, @queenie-ofthe-void, @goosesister, @hello-fellow-nerds, @luthienstormblessed, @xtkxkrzrizir, @potato-of-the-lord, @geekymagicalpotato, @child-of-cthulhu, @aizawa-emma, @m-owo-n, @newtstabber, @cartercaptainofthemoon, @spectrum-spectre, @a-little-unsteddie

And, if you've made it this far, here's a little meme for your entertainment

[aranock]

I'm tired.

Just sort of in general I am exhausted. I know I put on a brave face a lot, but the hate does get to me. The constant unceasing hatred both offline and online gets to me. I'm human idk what to say. Been thinking a lot about the Bilbo quote, I might be paraphrasing, "I feel like too little butter spread across too much toast."

It's pride month, I should be feeling happy right? I convocated finally after a brutal long degree I should be feeling happy right? I like how my body looks for the first time in my life shouldn't I feel happy?

And I know that's not helpful, that feelings are not a should thing. And yet I feel it anyway :/. Not that I do not feel happy, I would say on average I am better than I have been at any other point in my life. But it does get to me.

I was invited to dinner with a former family member, a blood relative that breached every boundary I placed and even went so far as to accost me in a public space. It's hard watching someone lose all love for you the more you become yourself. Being told I'm an embarrassment to my parents by creeps online stings a lot more now that I had a blood relative say it to my face while aggressively yanking my jacket so I couldn't get away. I know its a lie, I know that this person saying that hurt my parents as much as it did me. Alas, anxiety rarely responds to facts or evidence.

Everytime it feels like I'm fine and over it; this person manages to weasel their way around boundaries to fuck up my mental health for a week. And the thing about chronic illnesses like mine is they flare up quite horrendously when you get stressed and anxious. Anxiety means waking up to acid burnt throat from reflux.

It makes my voice dysphoric all day.

I think deep down one of my greatest fears is that I am unlovable, that everyone around me secretly hates me and is just waiting for the excuse to finally be rid of interacting with me. I am terrified that I am a burden. Mortified by the false belief that I am broken.

Despite how horrific my childhood adolescence and some of my early adulthood were, my family was at least a safe place. I recognize that I was privileged to have that. With that said I think the reason this whole thing has rocked me so much is that it violated that one last place I felt safe. It has made me doubt the love of those I never thought I would.

Sometimes transphobia feels like drowning, and if you try to swim for air everyone decides to shove you further down cause actually it's proof you are faking needing breath.

I text someone anytime I go run errands, just to make sure someone knows. Had too many experiences of hate. I get anxious when I go to get groceries; will this be the time I get hit by a vehicle driven by a far right transphobe, am I going to get called a slur again, will the store staff get suspicious of me and search through all my groceries to make sure I actually paid for it. But please, tell me how I don't know what its like to be oppressed. When men sexually harass, catcall, creepily hit on, follow me around clearly I am not at all experiencing sexism. Obviously the real worst thing in the world is that women "cancel" people on the internet, and trans people exist. Did they think sending me hateful articles would suddenly make me go "oh yes clearly its all in my head, please genocide my community, I stand for nothing and have the moral backbone of a slug."

I don't really know why I'm writing this, I dont usually feel or desire to express something like this publicly. I will probably delete it later. Maybe I disappear into writing cause its easier to deal with the feelings that way. That at least then someone gets something out of my pain. That maybe it helps to condense emotional mountains to the mole hills of short strokes of a pen or presses of a key. To let them explode outward in a flurry of thoughts and words that others look at and say "I too have felt this, you are not alone, you are not wrong for feeling this way."

Anything to take the weight of it all off my chest for a second.

Because I am tired.

I'm exhausted really.

I don't want to be brave or strong or resilient. It's tiring to bear the weight of that and a billion projections. Atlas does not bear the heavens upon his shoulders because he is strong or brave. He bears it because he has no other choice. Because people put it on him.

I just want to exist; that is apparently too much to ask for as a trans woman.

If you are concerned, please don't worry I'll be fine, I was fine every other time after all. This too shall pass. But right now it hurts.

And I have had my fill of hurt for many lifetimes.

[the-s1lly-corner]

May I request the cast of Tadc x reader, whose y/n is a mermaid? I already imagine that yn would be right in the digital lake, singing or combing her hair like Ariel-

TADC cast x mermaid!reader !

this one may be a little short since my back is already starting to get all... stiff... sobs.... might go lay down for a few minutes then come back and knock out the other request that got sent in !!

CAINE:

caine is a little perplexed as to why you stay at the lake all the time, your room does have water... though, to be fair, your room is blocked off and small. i think it would take him a while to directly interact with you but just know that every night when you sing hes listening to you... actually now that i think about it, i dont think it would take him long to make himself known, he would probably clap and applaud you after one of your personal performances... probably makes sailor jokes, because, you know, sea stuff and mermaid lore... wants to include you more in stuff so he probably does IHAs that are lake themed, or perhaps makes something sort of like a portable tank..

POMNI:

she probably mistakes you for an NPC for a moment LMAO... i was going to go with an idea that pomni would be into mythology and stuff but now that i think about it, i actually see the opposite now thats more of something i can see zooble and gangle being into... not many ideas for pomni, unfortunately, but i think she would be friendly around you for manners

RAGATHA:

she thinks your really pretty, i think... while ragatha doesnt strike me as the type to be into mythology and stuff, i think she subconsciously is attracted to you because she grew up on stories about mermaids, fairies, and princesses... sure she doesnt remember all that since shes gotten stuck in the digital world, but the instinct to be near you is still there... i think if she got caught listening to you sing she would be so embarrassed, probably tries to excuse herself unless you tell her she can stay.. having someone come by down to the lake is nice, to finally have company

JAX:

has probably snagged your comb and darted to the shore of the lake far enough so that you cant reasonably crawl out of the water and grab it back, assuming you actively need water to survive instead of mobility... but either is really mean in my opinion.. toss him into the water/j actually i dont think he can swim, jax doesnt look like the kind of person to swim.. omg omg bonding moment for when you two get closer, imagine teaching him how to (admin never learned how to swim so theyre unqualified to write this </3)

KINGER:

rarely leaves the tent but lets say he goes down to the lake one day while you happen to be out.. similar to pomni i think he would mistake you for an NPC simply because you are almost never in the tent... i think he would enjoy your singing, though, very calming and it eases him.. quietly listens and returns a few times when he sees youre out. meek apologies when hes caught, hes almost sheepish about it and admits that he should have asked before getting up in your business.. ooo i love this man

ZOOBLE:

"so like, do you drown people," just straight up, probably asks this after a day of jax being more annoying than usual... as mentioned earlier i think they would be really into mythological creatures and lore, as well as cryptids, both before and after joining the circus... sure you probably arent lore accurate to mermaid stories in the real world, but i think they would like to learn about youre whole deal.. sometimes helps you get stuff out of your hair if things get tangled up

GANGLE:

gangle is what gets tangled up in your hair^/j

no but i think she would also be very interested in your whole deal, but is less blunt about it unlike zooble... also thinks your pretty.. i think she would bring stuff down to the lake for you guys to do together, like games and drawing stuff... its nice for the both of you to be away from everyone else but still have company in someone who knows what its like to be cast to the side; be it due to shyness or being locked to a place

[crow2222]

You. You should totally write or smth abt Darry being unable to swim well, or at all, so he just grabs on to something with a white knuckled grip every time he's near semi-deep water lmao. Pls it'd be funny-

get this man outta the water asap.

WC; 1,206

The sky looked like it was lit ablaze; the setting sun letting off the last of it's light for the day, filtering through the leaves of trees, but managing to blind Darry as he stood at the edge of the lake.

"It's still a little warm if you get in now!"

Sodapop's smile showed off all his bright white teeth, a fair competitor to the sunlight that had been shining on them all day.

Darry had an excuse at first, as all the guys did stupid tricks and flips into the water, he was grilling the sausages and patties to fill the ravenous teenager's stomachs. Every each one of them could eat a horse if left without a cook, like Darry. He wasn't even that good of a cook- he'd under cooked and burnt more food than he could count on his finger, but it was all eaten away. Even if it meant being sick.

But as time went by, and the meal was eaten (their burgers were soaked, they wasted no time going from the lake to the food and grabbed at the buns before their hands could even dry first.), and everyone piled back into the water, expecting Darry to follow right in.

He'd never been a fan of the water.

Too many risks, too little reward. He could splash around in the bath if truly he wanted that, but he didn't. Besides the bath was uncomfortably small for his build, so he'd grown to like showers more.

His feet stayed planted on the slippery rock, any sudden move would've had him flying down towards the water; and it got pretty deep pretty quick too!

He'd never been a fan of the water, because he couldn't swim.

Never learned, had no use for it in Oklahoma. Maybe almost everyone knows how to swim except for him, and maybe it did bug him some, but gosh, by then he had two jobs keeping him busy all day, and no time to hangout by the local pool with the gang. That's what he told them. It wasn't necessarily a lie, he would be home before they had a chance to get their feet wet, but all his muscles ached and he had better things to do than swim aimlessly. If he could, that is.

"Darrryy" Sodapop groaned, "Jump in already. If you stay up there any longer I'd be inclined to call you a pussycat!"

The man narrowed his eyes at his little brother, ready to come up with a smart remark before he felt the cold hands on his back for a split second-

then he was in the air,

and landed in the water, with a painful belly flop.

Water filled his ears, and he couldn't open his eyes in the water. It was all dark, and he felt no ground under his feet. Was he upside down? He couldn't tell.

Darry hadn't had a chance to breathe before being pushed in the water, so he was quickly panicking about needing to take a breath. He was going to drown. He can't swim. He's about to die.

Something grabbed him, and he foolishly wondered if it was death itself that had come down to reap his soul.

He wasn't about to go down without a fight, or a chance to survive, so he thrashed around his arms wildly, hoping that maybe he'd swim up to the surface doing so.

He grabbed at it- whatever it was- and pushed himself up with all the strength he could muster, accidentally holding onto the soft arm with full grip. He didn't notice, his focus was on getting above the water.

And he did exactly that.

Darry had both his hands on the person as his head finally reached the cold air. He coughed out water he accidentally let in his mouth, and then he gasped and gasped, his panic being more than clear as he tried to suck in as much air as he could, worried he was about to go under again.

But then he gently lowered his legs in the water, and he felt the muddy ground.

Then he tested opening his eyes, blinking away any water that still hung onto his eyelashes.

"Are you okay?" Two-bit's face was all screwed up weird as he stared at Darry, who was still holding onto him for dear life, even if he had floor underneath him now.

The older man was shaking, he couldn't stop himself. He thought he was about to die seconds ago! "I can't swim." He blurted out, his voice was garbled; his throat was sore from his harsh coughs and gasps.

Two led Darry out of the water, helping him push up the rocks when he physically couldn't by himself. It was like his body used up all it's energy when he panicked in the water; and he collapsed sideways on the wet rocks the moment he felt far enough from the water.

"Dally, that wasn't fucking funny." Someone spat out, but Darry didn't see who, nor did he care. He kept his focus on the way the air went in and out his lungs as he felt the cold envelope his body, being no help to his intense shivers from the shock.

Warmth. Suddenly he felt a warm hand rub his back, and heard a quiet voice telling him to slow down his breathing. He didn't think he was breathing fast, but tried his best to follow it's instructions.

He just wanted to cook some burgers.

When he felt calm enough to do so, he opened his eyes again, and was met with a variety of faces looking back at him.

Sodapop, a frown that somehow etched worry into each crevice in his face.

Two-bit, confusion visible by his furrowed brows and searching eyes.

Dallas, who looked away the moment Darry met his gaze, who looked uncomfortable, and guilty.

Steve, desperately holding back a grin that he hid horribly with a frown, mimicking his best friend's.

Johnny, who's big black eyes bore into Darry's pale blue ones, unspoken questions in them.

There was a face missing, and that's when he laid on his back and saw Ponyboy, who had been the one behind him previously.

"Darry.. you can't swim?"

Ponyboy tucked a blanket above his shoulders- a blanket he didn't realize was covering him in the first place.

Heat rushed to his entire face as he took in what had happened. He got pushed in the water, he flailed about wildly once he was in, couldn't push his body out the water alone, then was left spluttering and panting. And they all watched it happen. God he'd never live it down.

He closed his eyes again, shaking his head as a no. He waited for the burst of laughter to come from the group, his muscles tensing for it. Yet, nothing happened.

"Gee, you could've told us. We woulda taught you how to." Steve was the brave soul who spoke up, seemingly speaking the thoughts of the whole group as murmurs of agreement filled Darry's ears.

His brothers helped him sit up, even with the blanket he couldn't stop shaking. It was all too humiliating, yet none of them seemed to pay it any mind.

It wasn't long until everyone piled back into the car, half wet and shivering, but laughing together about anything but Darry's wild panic from earlier.

...

And let's just say Dallas found his own way back home that day.

[noahsresources]

HURT / COMFORT STATEMENTS THAT HIT ME RIGHT IN THE FEELS

pardon me please, i'm just having a moment. possible tw for suicidal ideation and references to death and loss. bonus points for specifying a scenario!

from those who are struggling. ❝ i never thought i'd ever make it this far. ❞ ❝ ... when were you going to tell me about this? ❞ ❝ i don't ever want you to die. please ... don't die ... ❞ ❝ we had our whole lives planned out. ❞ ❝ i just can't, it's too much. it's too fucking much. ❞ ❝ losing him/her/them was the cruelest thing i've ever experienced. ❞ ❝ people say things like, 'you're going green with envy', or 'there's smoke coming out of your ears'. you think they'd come up with a statement like that that describes someone who's in constant pain like this ... ? ❞ ❝ sometimes you need to make room for grief. make time for it. embrace it. it's all i've been doing as of late. ❞ ❝ how is it possible to hurt this much when nothing's wrong? ❞ ❝ drowning in sadness is more fulfilling than drowning in pleasure these days. ❞ ❝ it's hard to let go of the fact that i'm probably going to outlive everyone else in my life. ❞ ❝ i've already lost everything near and dear to my heart. everything except for you. ❞ ❝ i'm just so tired. i just want to go to sleep and never wake up again. ❞ ❝ i was so close to giving up once. ❞ ❝ i don't want him/her/them to die alone. i'd never forgive myself. ❞ ❝ please, don't go ... i just need to feel your arms around me ... ❞ ❝ there's a reason why i hide my emotions locked in a metal cage so deep in my heart. it's so i won't get hurt like this again. ❞ ❝ i've always had to deal with these kinds of things alone. i don't need your help. ❞ ❝ it was my fault. i did this to him/her/them ... ❞ ❝ i can't even see my future anymore. i don't want to. ❞ ❝ there's no way i could possibly be this important to you. ❞ ❝ if i lose him/her/them, then there'll be nothing else for me to live for. ❞ ❝ i don't see a point anymore. in going on, i mean. ❞ ❝ time won't slow down. it never does. i had to learn that the hard way early on. ❞ ❝ go away ... please, just go away. ❞

from those offering support. ❝ ... i'm sorry. i'm so, so fucking sorry that you had to lose him/her/them. ❞ ❝ it wasn't your fault. you did everything you could. ❞ ❝ just remember they'll always be in your heart. ❞ ❝ i don't know what to say to make you feel better, but ... i'm here for you, if that means anything. ❞ ❝ believe it or not ... i know how you feel. i've been through this exact same thing. ❞ ❝ he/she/they loved you. he/she/they loved you so much. trust me ... i know. ❞ ❝ you're not alone. i promise you, you're not alone. ❞ ❝ don't worry, i'll stay. i'm not going anywhere. ❞ ❝ you've been through so much ... be kind to yourself. please. ❞ ❝ it's okay to cry. you don't have to hide your emotions around me. ❞ ❝ you don't have to talk to me. hell, you don't even have to look at me. but, please ... give me a sign that you're hearing what i have to say. ❞ ❝ please ... don't tell me that you'd choose to spend eternity up there with him/her/them over an eternity with me ... ❞ ❝ you're grieving. it's an understandable reaction. but you should rest. you've been overexerting yourself far too much lately. ❞ ❝ the man/woman/person who you lost, who loved you ... he/she/they wouldn't want to see you doing this to yourself. ❞ ❝ crying is your body's way of telling you that you've been keeping everything in for way too long. so let it out. you're safe here. ❞ ❝ sadness is like an ocean. sometimes we drown in it, but other times, we're forced to swim in it. ❞ ❝ as long as i'm here, you'll never not have anyone ever again. ❞ ❝ i hope you know that you can talk to me about anything at all. share anything you need to get off your chest. i'm here for you. ❞ ❝ love is often felt the most in your favorite memories. honor him/her/them by remembering all the happiness he/she/they gave you. ❞ ❝ if you don't feel strong right now, then you don't have to be strong. it's okay to be vulnerable, weak, scared, and sad. ❞

[youreobsessedwithtoomanyfandoms]

In a World of Boys, He's a Gentleman

Words: 1748

Warnings: references to cheating, name calling, probably poor writing and OOC characters but whatever

DC Masterlist Main Masterlist 1989 (TV) Event Masterlist Join My Taglist

This takes place pre Dick. Maybe little bit of being Batman? Basically Bruce is still really known as a playboy, but unlike many of my other ones here, this Brucie is a good boy and isn't gonna cheat because hell nah. I also am having that, like Bruce, Y/N had her own reputation because that just makes sense to me

Also, Y/N is also rich in her own right, which is why there are references of her and Bruce growing up together and other things like that. So yeah, yippee

The swimsuit that Y/N wears is described to be a two piece, but not that it shows skin or not so imagine that however you wish you; if you see it as a bikini or one with a top that covers everything and has bottoms basically making it a one-piece

This is the "Slut!" part of my 1989 event! You can also see this as the one for "Blank Space" since I wasn't doing one fully

Anywho, enjoy

Love Z <3

Y/N stood next to Jessica Sturwich as she talked about her husbands new investments. The sun beat down on them as they stood on the yacht that Bruce had recently begun to own. Her eyes drifted around, trying to drown out the sound of Jessica's annoyingly high pitched nasally voice.

She laughed to herself as she saw Elizabeth Bynes in, what she would describe as, a flamingo pink bikini, shamelessly flirting with Bruce. A small smile graced her lips as she saw him throw her a "help me" look.

She looked back at Jessica and gave a small, fake laugh. "I'm sorry, but I'm gonna take my leave now, Bruce is calling me over."

As she turned on her heel and made her way towards him, she tried to not let what Jessica said hit her. "Hey, it's just the guy of the week. Not like you have to do everything he asks."

All she did was turn and shoot her a sweet smile, "Why don't you tell something similar to your husband's mistresses." Before turning back and making her way to Bruce.

As she reached him, she gently grabbed his bicep and kissed his cheek before smiling at Elizabeth. "Betty! I haven't seen you in such a long time! How's your mother?"

She watched as Elizabeth's smile faded. Betty had always been her least favorite nickname, plus Y/N knew that Elizabeth knew that she had been caught.

"She's been well." She watched as Elizabeth glanced at Bruce before looking at her again. "Who knew that the two richest people in Gotham would end up together."

Y/N hummed, "It makes sense." She smiled up at Bruce, who's arm fell down to her waist, before looking back at Elizabeth, "Also helps that he's much better than the other men I've been with."

"Right...and which number is he?"

She felt the way his arm tightened around her waist before he spoke. "I think that it's more of which number she is for me." She listened to his fake laugh before he sighed, "I think that we should finish up here and head back to shore. Why don't you go locate Adam Becker, I'm sure that he'd like you by his side at his gala tonight." He started to push him and her away, "See you later."

The two of walked away, out from the sight of everyone, before she leaned her head into his chest. Small tears gathering in her eyes. She hated the words that were always said about her. Even if they weren't lies, she did go from guy to guy...person to person. But she didn't sleep with them all. Only...at most half. Many of them weren't even relationships she had wanted. They were relationships her family had put her with.

But this...this wasn't it. This was one she had wanted.

Bruce gently kissed the top of her head before mumbling against her hair. "We don't have to go tonight." He tightened the grip around her waist, "We can stay at the manor, swim in the pool under the moonlight." She smiled against his bare chest as he rubbed circles into her lower back, his thumbs occasionally toying with top of her swim bottoms. "I could tell Alfred to leave us alone and we could just...be grown adults, alone, in a big pool."

She giggled before looking up at him, "As fun was that sounds." She gently grabbed his arms from behind her, moving them in from to hold his hands. "But we promised to be there. I already told my parents to not go cause I'd be there on their behalf."

He sighed, "Well...always can do that afterwards."

"Are you trying to get me to have sex in a pool, Mr. Wayne?"

He shrugged, "Not like you've never done it before."

"You wound me."

He smiled innocently, "Nothing around about that sweetheart."

She carefully moved from him as the bell rang that they were back at the port. "I think that I will meet you at yours before the gala tonight Mr. Wayne."

He gave her a lovesick smile as she walked away, "See you tonight, Miss. Y/L/N."

--------

Y/N stood next to Bruce as he talked to Lex Luthor. She adjusted her stance every once and a while, attempting to ignore all of the eyes on her. She knew why they were there, after all, she always ended up breaking up with guys at the third gala she went to with them. This was their third.

Everyone was expecting it to happen...but it wasn't going to.

"Y'know, I was surprised to hear that you and Miss. Y/N Y/L/N were together." She turned her head back to the other man, a small smile on her face as Bruce held her tighter. "Maybe you'll be the one to tie her down."

Her smile faltered and she move uncomfortably as the words left Lex's mouth. But before she could cover her uncomfortability with an awkward joke, Bruce came in. "I don't see it as tying down as much as I see it as me possibly being someone she finds safety in."

She looked up at him with a smile, a real happy smile, as she leaned into him. He was right. For the first time in years, she felt like she could be herself with him. Be...not the dumb rich girl she had pretended to be for so long.

She had been so lost in her own world that she hadn't realized that Bruce had pulled her away from Lex and the rest of the crowd until she felt her back collide with a wall and he brought his hand to her face gently.

"You were upset. What happened?"

She sighed "People were staring."

"And?" He leaned in and kissed her, "You look so fucking gorgeous tonight, of course they're going to."

"But that's not--"

"You're all dressed up, let them stare."

She allowed her lips to form a small smile, "We're both dressed up, so I guess...I guess they might as well be looking at us."

He smirked, "Really?"

"And...I think, maybe for once, it might be worth being called a slut." She leaned in before whispering, "Or maybe I'm just drunk."

He tilted his head to the side in confusion his lips opening slightly, as if he was about to say something. But they closed before a gently smile and look fell upon his face. "Why don't we go back out there, hm?"

She smiled gently and nodded, "Okay."

--------

Y/N laughed at the front page of the newspaper as Bruce came and wrapped his arms around her. She lifted the paper for him to see and soon enough his own chuckle filled the air. "World renowned rich, billionaire, heiress, and slut; Y/N Y/L/N looks like she might have actually fallen in love with billionaire and philanthropist Bruce Wayne as she gave him this look last night at Adam Becker's charity gala. Has she really found the one or is this just her current boy of the month?" He looked down at her, "What do you say?"

She hummed, "I think that they looked at my drunk expressions and try to read my mind."

He kissed her temple before speaking, "I mean to say, you hardly had anything to drink to drink last night. What did you mean by being drunk?"

She smiled up at him, "Not from alcohol." She tilted her head to the opposite side of his, allowing her lips to ghost the shell of his ear. The words leaving her mouth before she meant to let them, her still half asleep mind not fully thinking. "I meant drunk from love."

She felt herself and him freeze, both of them processing what she had just said. The L word. Something she had contemplated saying for so long, but kept convincing herself to not to out of fear for what he would say just slipped out of her lips.

But instead of anger or him laughing at her, his lips formed a smile. "You love me?" She silently nodded and he turned her around before kissing her intensely. He pulled away, but only to put his forehead onto hers. "I love you too."

It led to her swallowing hard, "But what if it blows up in our faces...in your really pretty face?"

He shrugged, "Then it does." He kissed her gently before brushing hair from her face, "I love you so much. I was just scared that you didn't."

"And I was scared that you didn't love me."

He smiled, "I guess we're just two idiots."

She smirked slightly, "Two slutty idiots."

He laughed and nodded, "Yes, two very slutty idiots."

--------

Y/N sobbed as she held onto her stomach, trying to comfort herself. She knew she shouldn't let it affect her, but she couldn't help it. She tried to ignore the television as it played the news channel talking about Bruce with another woman last night. She sobbed, she knew Bruce. But it didn't that she knew that everyone wanted him. But she knew it was just one of those issues when someone was at the right place at the wrong time...or maybe this case it was wrong place, right time.

She barely heard the door to the bedroom click before she felt Bruce's arms wrap around her, whispering into her ear that it was okay. She sobbed into his shoulder. She didn't understand why this was hurting her in the way that it was.

"I'm so sorry baby, I tried to push her off of me before. Please believe me. I'll...I'll do anything to prove it to you."

She breathed shakily, "I believe you. I just...I don't know why this is hurting me the way it is."

He moved to gently take her head in her hands to make her look at him. "Because...this is the longest real relationship either of us have had." He brushed hair from her face, "Trust me when I say that I never want to hurt you. Not on purpose at least."

She nodded and buried her head against his shoulder as he held her tightly. She refused to let him go. Refused to let him get away from her.

She refused to let him go as it felt like he was one of the only gentlemen in a world full of boys.

[vodika-vibes]

Can you do a Monnk x reader in the mystic au, the same faced gods one? Monnk would definitely be a sea themed kind of god.

Take as much time as you need with it, I don't mind.

Siren Song

Summary: It was an accident. You didn’t know that the Empire had claimed the waters around your town as theirs. So when you take your small boat out, to check the crab traps, you run afoul of Imperial Troopers.

Pairing: Commander Monnk x F!Reader

Word Count: 2404

Prompt: Mystic AU - Same Faced Gods AU

Warnings: Reader is murdered at the beginning of the fic by drowning, Monnk first meets the reader as a toddler, but no relationship forms until Reader is well into her 20s. In fact, he doesn't interact with her at all between the ages of 2 and 22.

A/N: So this is a little different from the other fics in this AU, but I still like it.

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Rough hands press you to your knees in front of a man dressed in an impractical white uniform. A strong hand on the back of your head forces your gaze to remain locked on the metal deck of the warship you’ve been dragged on. They’re not being gentle with you. In fact, they seem to be enjoying the pain they’re causing you.

“Admiral,” The speaker is a woman, with a scratchy voice. She sounds like your uncle, in a way. Like she’s smoked most of her life and is now paying the price. “We found this,” A pointed boot slams into your side, and you release a muffled noise of pain, “poaching from the Emperor’s ocean.”

“Brave,” You assume that this is the admiral speaking. There’s something slimy to his voice, and you aren’t able to hide your shudder of terrified revulsion. 

And then the woman’s words pierce the fog of terror. Wait. The Emperor’s Ocean? This Ocean doesn’t belong to anyone.

“Tell me, girl,” The Admiral continues, his gloved hand grabbing your chin and jerking your head so that you’re looking at him. 

It hurts. The way his fingers dig into your skin, the way he’s jerking your head from one side to the other. It’s like his every action is designed to bring you more pain. 

Add that pain to the pain from the rough manacles binding your hands together, and your feet together for that matter, and the rough material being used to gag you—

You’re just not having a good time.

“Hm,” The admiral is an old man, with a ruddy nose and thinning white hair. He’d almost remind you of your grandfather, if it wasn’t for the cruel twist to his lips and the dangerous glimmer in his gaze, “Such a shame. Pretty girls like you should be dressed in fine gowns and put on display.”

His words are startling enough that your panic vanishes, and you stare at him in absolute bewilderment. You’re not the only one. The deck of the ship has fallen silent as men and women stare at the Admiral in various states of disbelief or disgust.

“Admiral?” The woman standing just to your left asks though she doesn’t continue. Perhaps Imperial soldiers have some kind of telepathy?

The old man stares at her for a moment and then coughs. “Yes, exactly right Captain. Poachers cannot be allowed to go free.” He stares at you in silence for a long moment, then smiles, “If you wish to poach from the Emperor so much, perhaps it’d be best if you saw the ocean close up.”

The next five minutes happen very quickly.

A cloth is wrapped around your mouth and nose, the heavy manacles around your wrists are substituted for ropes, and a massive rock is tied to your ankles.

Then, before you can even make a noise of protest, you’re tossed over the side of the ship.

You sink quickly, faster than you expect.

Trying to swim is a waste of energy, the rock is heavier than you are, and the cold water is sapping your strength.

You should be afraid. You don’t want to die.

And yet, even as you sink into the dark depths of the ocean, you’re calm. There’s no panic. No fear. Just peaceful acceptance.

Your twin always did always say that your mild personality would be the end of you.

The salt of the sea burns your eyes, so you close them to try and stop the pain. And your lungs are burning, you can’t quite bring yourself to not hold your breath. 

The pressure of the ocean is beginning to get to you. There’s a pain in your sinuses and a sharp pain in your ear. You know what those are symptoms of. You’ve been diving in the ocean since you learned how to swim.

You’re descending too quickly.

Finally, the burning in your lungs becomes too painful, and the last of your oxygen bursts from your nose. It is, perhaps, a mercy that you pass out with the first rush of water to your lungs.

The last thing you’re aware of is something warm and gentle pressing against your cheek.

Much to your genuine astonishment, you wake up.

This astonishment is only made worse when you realize that you’re still underwater, and yet you’re breathing as regularly as you would if you were on land.

So far as you can tell, you’re not wearing a rebreather or an oxygen tank. In fact, aside from the surprisingly light gown you’re wearing, the only thing on your body is some kind of earmuffs.

You press your hands to the earmuffs and note that they seem strapped on your head in some way, and then you note that the ear pain from the ruptured eardrums is gone. 

So…a healing device of some sort?

Then you look around at your surroundings.

Honestly, if it wasn’t for the obvious magic, you’d say that this looks like a hospital room. Which means that this light gown you’re wearing is a hospital gown.

You push the blanket off your legs, and immediately pause.

The scars around your ankles don’t surprise you, the rock used to make you sink was heavy, you’d be more surprised if you didn’t have scars. 

But that isn’t what gave you pause. No. It’s the scales running up your legs that make you react this way. You fold your legs so you can get a better look, and lightly trail your fingers over the scales.

They’re smooth, like glass, and they’re real. Because you can feel your touch across the scales.

“Is this what happens to people who drown?” You ask the empty room, you’re voice strangely muffled to your own ears, as you hold your arm out and push up the sleeve, revealing identical teal scales decorating your arms. You follow the scales with a finger and notice that they go up to your shoulder and across your shoulder blades. You wouldn’t be surprised if they continue down your spine.

Your head snaps up when the door on the other side of the room slides open and a man steps in.

He looks surprised to see you awake, though it pales in comparison to your surprise. He’s tall, with dark skin, and is covered in Kraken tattoos. Or, wait, that’s not right.

It looks like he has one Kraken tattoo, that covers the majority of his body.

Like you, he has scales on his arms and legs, though his appear to be gold in color, rather than your teal.

He smiles at you, warm and welcoming, and you get the strangest feeling that you know him. “You’re awake.” His voice is pleasantly deep, “You scared me, my pretty anemone.” 

“Sorry.” You reply automatically, and then you frown. Why are you apologizing, you didn’t do anything wrong.

“It’s alright, it’s not actually your fault after all.” He crosses the room and lightly sits on the edge of the bed, his dark eyes sliding across the teal scales, before lightly tapping the earmuffs, “Does this seem to be helping?”

“There’s no more pain,” You confirm, “Well, not as much pain. My face and teeth still ache.”

He looks surprised for a moment, and then his face clears, “Right, sinuses. Hold on.” He takes your face between his hands and gently, so gently, trails his finger under your left eye, and then your right.

There’s a slight burning sensation, like after you sneezed too many times in a row, but when the uncomfortable feeling fades the pain is gone. 

“There, how’s that?”

You blink at him in surprise, the feeling of familiarity too strong to ignore, “Have we…met before?” You ask, slowly as you scan his face. 

A bright grin crosses his face, “We have.” His thumb glides across your lower lip, “You were so young when you woke me up, just a little girl. Too young, for the duty laid on your shoulders.”

You shake your head, “I don’t remember.”

He laughs softly, “You wouldn’t stay away. You kept sneaking out of the house and jumping into the ocean, and you could barely swim. For your safety, I locked the memories away. Until you were old enough for the duty you agreed to.”

Slowly, he leans in and presses his forehead against yours, “My name,” He speaks slowly, as if casting a spell, “is Monnk.”

There’s a spark, and quickly, like a burst dam, memories flood your brain.

You’re two years old, and Mama left you on the beach. She told you to stay put, to be a good girl, and wait for her to come back while she takes care of your brother. But there’s a pretty shell only a little bit away, and Mama won’t be too angry if you go a little bit away, right?

Only as soon as you pick up the pretty shell, there’s another even prettier shell. And then another. And another.

And before you know it, you have lots of shells piled around you. And you’ve found yourself in a weird stone room. But there are shelves and Mama says that we have to pick up our toys.

So, slowly, you set each shell on a stone shelf, carefully making sure each shell is carefully arranged to look the prettiest. It’s important.

You don’t know why it’s important, but you know that it is.

And then he appears. Tall and strong, and you immediately run over to him and silently demand that he pick you up.

Monnk, the god of the Seas, laughs as he scoops you into his arms, “You’re quite little aren’t you, my adorable little priestess?”

You giggle as you hug him.

“Too little, perhaps, to be a proper priestess.” Monnk murmurs, “Time for you to return home, my little one.”

There’s a flash of light, and you’re back on the beach, with a pretty shell necklace draped around your neck. 

And then you remember a second memory.

You’re two and a half now, and you’re determined to get to the ocean. It’s where you’re supposed to be.

You make a break for it every chance you get, but tonight, you get away. You make it to the big rocks that Papa says you’re too little to climb, and you immediately jump into the water.

You’re not afraid, Monnk will protect you.

You don’t even hit the water, as strong arms catch you and then set you back on the sand. Monnk kneels in front of you, a wry smile on his face.

“You are as stubborn as a crab, my little one.”

You scramble to your feet and reach out for him to hold you, but he doesn’t waver, his hand gentle on the top of your head, “You have to stop doing this, it’s not safe.” Your lower lip wobbles when he won’t hug you, and Monnk sighs, “Don’t hate me too much for this, little one. I’ll see you when you’re older. I promise.”

And then he touches your forehead, and everything goes blank.

Mama finds you sleeping on the sand the next morning, though you have no memory of how you got there.

You snap out of your memories, and shoot Monnk a pained look, “You went away.”

“I took the memories, so you wouldn’t get hurt, but I was never far.” Monnk replies, “You were going to get yourself killed, my little priestess. My job is to protect you, even from yourself if I have to.”

“It seems unnecessary,” You huff as you press your hands over his.

“You jumped off a boulder. When you were two. And couldn’t swim. It was so necessary you don’t even know.” Monnk counters, and then he shrugs, “I wasn’t watching you all of the time, I did make sure that your family would never go hungry, though. If I had been paying more attention, you wouldn’t have died.”

“...I died?”

“Uh…yeah. Sorry.” He does look apologetic, “You drowned, and I had to take measures to bring you back. Congrats on becoming a Siren!”

“Are you allowed to do that?”

“I,” Monnk sniffs, “am the, a, god of the sea. I’m well within my rights to bring you back. As a siren, or a mermaid. But I decided that you would probably be more comfortable with legs than a tail.”

“You’re not wrong,” You mutter.

“Great!” Monnk pulls his hands from your face and claps them together, “Would you like to see the kingdom I prepared for you?”

“...I beg your fucking pardon?”

He beams, unrepentant, “Your kingdom. For the Eldest Priestess of the Sea god.” Monnk pauses, “Well, only priestess. I’m a bit territorial and don’t want any more Priests or Priestesses.”

“What kingdom?”

Monnk takes your hand and pulls you off the bed, “My beloved little one, I’ve had twenty years to waste. So of course I made a merkingdom for you. I can’t wait to introduce you to Kit. He’s hilarious, you’ll love him.”

“Oh…okay then.” You allow him to lead you out of the hospital, and you find yourself overlooking a stunning city decorated with coral and shells. “You made all of this?”

“Yup. It was a long 20 years.” Monnk leans against a low wall next to you, “See that white building over there? That’s where you, we, live. It’s the Priestess’ Temple.” He pauses, and then he grins, “Also, the people who murdered you? They’re super dead.”

“You killed them?”

There’s a glimmer of something dangerous in his gaze, “You are mine. My priestess. And they hurt you.” The dangerous look fades as quickly as it appeared, “Anyway, my brothers are planning on marching to war as soon as some of the other Commanders find Priestesses. This Empire has wronged a lot of people like you.”

“That’s a lot for someone who used to make a living as a fisherperson,” You mutter.

Monnk kisses your temple and then trails his lips down the side of your face to catch your lips with his, and he seems to become more as your lips touch his, “You won’t be alone,” He promises, “I’ll be right there with you the whole time.”

Your hand rests on his bare chest, and you absently trace his tattoo, “Well, then I have nothing to worry about, do I?”

He grins at you, and offers you his hand, “You want a tour, ad’ika?”

You place your hand in his, “I’d love one.”

@imabeautifulbutterfly

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[sunnywindow]

full of colours. a mirror's reflection.

october 3. full of colors. floyd leech x reader

“Come here,” could mean a lot of things. But when Floyd said it, it was usually a threat.

Especially when he tells you that right after you blindly drink something he hands you.

Thus -six feet under water, and on your last breath, your eyes wide and your mouth shut tight- you really should have listened to that gut instinct to not follow Floyd into the ocean.

“Huh? What's wrong?” he said, frowning in his voice. “Just breathe,” he said.

Easy for him to say.

All you could see was a cloud of little white bubbles. You couldn't tell what was up or down, and your heart was pounding frantically to the rhythm of an entire stampede of panicked wild animals.

Floyd sighed, somewhere.

“You know, I was really looking forward to showing this to you, but if you're gonna be this lame..”

Then your lungs gave way, and the water itself forced its way into your lungs. You coughed furiously.

It felt as natural and proper as a waterfall falling upwards. As normal as swallowing down cardboard for dinner. As comfortable as having an ice-cold bucket poured onto you.

The water was cold, the salt ruined your air, your clothes were all soaked, and now you were going to die hideous, sopping wet, and blind, several tens of feet under water.

Your eyes were shut tight as you waited for the inevitable, feeling Floyd's hand on your own as he dragged your basically lifeless body across the water.

Suddenly, you felt him stop and pout.

“Would ya quit being a wimp and open yer eyes for a second?”

His voice was the last voice you wanted to hear right now, before you die.

“You know, yer not gonna die.”

Very funny, Floyd, you rolled your closed eyes, head tilting back for a slight moment with arms crossed. You turned away from the slippery eel responsible for your would-be drowning.

“Okay. Whatever.” You felt the betrayal seep into your blood like ice as you felt Floyd swim away.

You'd been drowning for quite a while now.

Perhaps ten minutes. The actual drowning strike at any minute.

And yet Floyd's words echoed in your head, haunting you like a ghost.

Would ya quit being a wimp and open yer eyes for a second?

It wouldn't hurt to open your eyes once before you died. Floyd must have been away for ages, and there was nothing left to lose anymore; your fingers were already as precious as prunes.

To your surprise, jn front of you laid the festooned skeleton of a long-passed beast of the ocean. Hundreds of little glowing plants and fish surrounded it in a slow, pulsing rhythm not unlike your own heartbeat.

You found the water in your lungs flowing as naturally as the water current.

There were fish and plants of all sort of colours and shapes, each with their own personally perfect designs to fit their own needs.

The coral along the cave rested on the sunlit spots, reflecting light in a cascading sort of sparkle.

The whale's skeleton was fuzzy, and bioluminescent. Its soft, humming glow attracted aquatic bugs, mammals and fish alike.

Above all, the fish set the sea on fire with hot reds, oranges and yellows.

You never thought the sea could be so full of colour, so lovely, so alive.

“...So pretty,” the words fell out of your mouth.

“Whaat, I’m glad ya think so!” Floyd yelled right behind your ears. His words echoed throughout the chamber hauntingly, magnifying the age-old whale skeleton in the centre of it.

He giggled innocently, as if he wasn't the reason you were fearing for your life just ten minutes ago.

“I was starting to get bored when all you were doing was flailing and thinking ‘Aah! I'm gonna drown!!’” he said, animating some sort of imitation of you from just ten minutes ago. The eel giggled, all cheeky. “Good to see ya have a backbone.”

You furrowed your brow at him. “Well, maybe if I knew someone spiked my drink with water-breathing, I wouldn’t have been so scared.”

Floyd simply grinned. “Yeah. Maybe.”

“You're insufferable, you know that?”

Floyd giggled, grinning childishly from ear to ear. “Yeah, maybe!”

[furiousgoldfish]

(heavy personal post, topics of violence, death threats and self harm are discussed, arguments against physical abuse of children)

I'm not sure if anyone will relate to this except people who grew up in violence; I've only recently understood how normalized violence was during my upbringing, to the point where I had no reason to question it. I've forgotten how often I was hit and how it was presented as a very fair punishment for any kind of digression. And there were some specific incidents that held a strong place in my mind even if they happened only once. I was held underwater once, until I thought I was going to be drowned. I was often listening to how I should be suffocated to death. I would be hit with intention of causing maximum pain and minimal injury sometimes; at other times injuries didn't seem to matter.

I naively thought at first how this didn't significantly impact me, and of course it was all framed as my fault, but then I realized that after all this happened to me, and was presented as normal, I kept doing it to myself, also thinking it was normal.

I don't remember when was the first time I did it, but I periodically attempted to drown myself. I knew I couldn't actually do it, because my survival instincts would kick in and have me swim up when I started suffocating, but I still kept at it, seeing how far I could get with it. I attempted to suffocate myself using my arms. I did this many times, not questioning why I was doing it; it felt normal, regular, like something that I should naturally be doing because things like that were just done to me, so what was the difference if it's me doing it? My only negative thoughts about it were how ashamed I felt of doing something so 'dramatic' and 'ineffective' because I knew it wouldn't work. Now that I'm older, I understand that even attempts at suffocation can cause brain damage and I'm aghast at what I was doing to myself, often using my full strength too. I could have caused permanent damage.

I also thought I 'invented' the idea of self harm that would cause pain but not injury, and kept doing this throughout my life whenever I became too stressed or overwhelmed with internalized anger and couldn't bear it; I thought it was a smart thing I was doing! I thought it was ideal how it helped my brain regulate itself (my brain became dependent on pain to produce endorphin, which happens if you live in long-term violence, it's not my brain's fault) and I wouldn't feel any shame over it because there was no visible harm done, no evidence, nothing to show that I've done anything wrong. I forgot that the type of violence to cause maximum pain but minimal injuries was something done to me against my will. I was small when it happened.

All I did was perpetuate what I was taught as normal and regular behaviour, and I wonder if this is something that was done to me on purpose. If they normalized even the most vicious and dangerous practices with intent. Was it their intent for me to keep doing it even after they stop, to finish what they started. Did they suspect I would get dependent on pain and murder attempts and have to keep at it in order to live? Or is it a hidden little side effect that was on me to bear and hide, and on them to not have to see or know?

I'm talking about it because I think it should be known. If you teach children that violence against their bodies is normal, and they never get a chance to learn that it is wrong, they will harm themselves and think nothing of it. Self harm will become so normal and regular to them they won't even question it – after all, their parents have done it, and insisted it was the right thing to do. There's no way for a child to tell if you're hurting them, that they shouldn't also hurt themselves. And if you mess up their brain chemistry enough, they'll have to keep doing it in order to survive. You can't pretend putting your child in that state is normal or good for them. You can't tell me a child who attempts to hurt, drown and suffocate themselves because you taught them it's the right thing to do, is a child who's been cared for.

And ironically, even as I'm writing this, I'm still struggling to conceptualize that doing all that to me was wrong, that anything I did to myself was wrong; that's how engraved in me it became. I can't even think of what would fix me, because this isn't a logical reasoning problem, it's a feeling that overwhelms everything else.

Is this really what you want for your kids. Don't turn them into me. Don't make them do this to themselves. What I do know for sure is that nobody else should be going trough this.